17 December 2004

A laboratory version of "Twas the night before Christmas"
Mike Dziekan
Connecticut Analytical Corporation

'Twas the night before Christmas
and all through the lab,
Not a beaker was stirring
not even our Mighty Mouse.

The test tubes were hung
by the vent hood with care,
In hopes that the cleaning crew
soon would be there.

The sample was loaded
in the newest mass spec,
While divisions and sums
danced in our heads.

Amp meters and Kirchoff
allowed charging my cap,
Having just powered down
hearing a high voltage "snap".

When out from the lab
there arose such a clatter,
I singed my poor head
turning energy to matter.

Away from the window,
don't look at the flash,
Turn on the computers
and pray they don't crash.

It soon came to connect,
on our network - though slow
Gave my login and password,
then started to go.

When what to my wondering
eyes should appear,
But a menu displayed
and eight tiny black dots.

With a new Windows driver
so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment
I'd have to right click.

More rapid than Eagles
the crashes they came,
And I yelled and shouted
at my computer in vain.

Now dashes! Now dots!
Now pictures and sevens!
Oh come on you stupid,
old four-eighty six!

To apply the right patch
to end all my woe,
Now click away! click away!
Click away all!

As molecular sieves that before
the polyatomic fry,
When they meet with an obstacle,
bound tight with some lye.

So out comes the laptop
the cursors they flew,
With a blaze of mouse trails
and some double clicks too.

And then, some screen blinking
I feared a reboot,
The defragging and scanning
of each file and root.

As I drew in my head
and was turning around,
Down the hallway our I.T. guy,
came with manuals bound.

He was just an intern
and he needed input,
And his clothes were all
tarnished with ashes and soot.

A bundle of software
he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler
just opening his sack.

His eyes - how they twinkled!
His dimples - how merry!
His cheeks were like roses,
His soda was cherry!

His droll little mouse
was caught on his elbow,
And he feared that the thin
cable would let go.

He jumped in to type,
he fell right in the seat,
And a joke, it encircled
the web like a wreath.

He had his broadband
and dial-up at the ready,
That beeped when he logged
into the network - all ready.

He was surfing the web
Alt right click, hold "L",
And he launched his web browser,
I saw it myself.

A wink of his eye
and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know
I had nothing to dread.

He spoke not a word,
but muttered as he worked,
And called up a chat room
and called someone a jerk.

And laying his finger
aside of his mouse,
And giving a nod
up the menu he rose.

He could no longer stay
for his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew
like the down of a thistle.

But I heard him exclaim
as he walked out of sight,
"No unapproved software
on our network - Good Night!"